I am a fairly useless hitman, I can only come to this conclusion after playing the first level of Hitman: Blood Money last night. I have always enjoyed the Hitman series despite being probably one of the worst players the game has ever seen but I think I hit new lows of gun related incompetence.
The first level of Blood Money sees the main character, Agent 47, being hired to kill an owner of a amusement park. Five years previous the ferris wheel in the theme park broke which resulted in many people losing their lives as the whole structure collapsed. Many court battles followed and the theme park owner was acquitted after many year’s worth of legal battles. The father of one victims wants the owner dead so he can grieve properly. It would seem like a slightly severe reaction to the loss of a loved one. Sadly, over time, this now abandoned park has also become home of possibly the most stereotypical gang of black drug dealers gaming has ever seen. It looks as though somebody just tried to make a whole group of people in the image of 50 Cent (Is 50 Cent still ‘a thing’? Is this reference horribly outdated? Am I like, so 2006?). So the theme park owner wants to open up again but has to find the money to get rid of the drug dealers off the merry go rounds. It’s tragic then that he’s not supposed to live much longer.
It’s safe to say I’m not delivering milk
The first thing to admit is that this is a training level, it features pretty much every possible action Agent 47 can perform just to get you used to it. It took me a good half hour or so so realise that you have to press the back button to be shown what controls you need to perform the task at hand. In this time I have missed the opportunity to thrown a coin across a yard to distract two guards. Instead I blundered into the yard, was asked what my ‘white ass’ was doing in ‘their yard’ and threatened at gunpoint. The only action I could take was to shoot them before they had a chance. I then had to stuff two bodies under the ticket office by the gates, it was a tight squeeze but they got there eventually.
I also completely fail to take one guard for use as a human shield whilst he’s taking a piss. I’m far too polite for something like that and a man should be given a chance to not have his penis hanging out of his trousers as he’s used in a gunfight. Instead, I manage to shoot the guy through the back of the head. The gunshot alerts the next room full of guards and they come bundling into the loo en masse. I had to shoot each one in the kneecaps and they all fell and bled to death. At least they had pants on.
Later, when the occasion arises to use the sniper rifle, I mistakenly depress the trigger when trying to find the scope. This results in me somehow shooting down a seagull which lands at the feet of a member of the tower patrol. He promptly opens fire in my general direction.
After I manage to poison the Diet Coke his secretary was drinking I find myself in the office of the theme park owner. He’s cowering on the floor in fear of his life. In my pocket I carry a photo of my employer’s son. He wants it to be the last thing the owner ever sees. I show him the photo but then I start to think the situation through a little more.
Fine, the owner didn’t maintain the park before the accident but, in the eyes of the law, he’s been let off and is now trying to rebuild his life. My employer would surely be wiser spending all the thousands of dollars he’s paying me on some therapy instead. I could throw this guy some money, tell him that Honduras is nice this time of year and tell him to never set foot in the USA again. I would then go back and tell my employer that the guy drowned in a pool of his own piss and tears and yes of course I showed him the bloody photograph.
It’s not gone brilliantly well…
The game doesn’t want that though, that’s overthinking it and not quite getting into the spirit. With a sigh I put a bullet into the owner’s forehead before escaping through the window. Some people just have problems, I’d personally love to modify Blood Money so you travel the world to simply sit down and talk to people rather than killing them. My pitch for Therapist: Session Money would probably fall on deaf ears though.